ACT 1
INT. GREEN ROOM AT A NEW YORK COMEDY CLUB
THE GREEN ROOM APPEARS TO BE EMPTY. IT IS ALSO DIMLY LIT, FOG-ENSHROUDED, AND ALTOGETHER WAY SPOOKIER THAN A GREEN ROOM OUGHT TO BE.
OFF CAMERA, IN THE ADJACENT ROOM, AN AUDIENCE GOES WILD.
MULANEY (O.C.)
Thanks everyone! I’m John Mulaney. You’ve been great.
MULANEY ENTERS. HE IS SO ECSTATIC AFTER HIS SUCCESSFUL SET THAT HE DOESN’T NOTICE LEYLA, AN OLDER WOMAN WITH A GENTLE ACCENT AND EXOTIC CLOTHES, SITTING ON THE SOFA. SHE IS THE ONLY OTHER PERSON IN THE ROOM.
MULANEY
(TO HIMSELF) You nailed it, kid. You’re the best in the world. Nobody’s better.
LEYLA
Did you kill them?
MULANEY IS STARTLED.
MULANEY
I’m sorry, what?
LEYLA
Did you kill them?
MULANEY
I killed, yes.
LEYLA
Wonderful.
MULANEY
I don’t think we’ve met. I’m John Mulaney.
MULANEY REACHES OUT HIS HAND AND LEYLA SHAKES IT DISINTERESTEDLY.
LEYLA
I am Leyla.
MULANEY
Are you going on later?
LEYLA
Going on what?
MULANEY
Performing. You’re a comic or--wait--where did everybody go?
LEYLA
Everybody?
MULANEY
The other comics. Twenty minutes ago Anthony Jeselnik and someone claiming to be a real live 1930s hobo were sitting on that sofa.
LEYLA
I don’t know these people.
MULANEY
Wait a minute--
MULANEY LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM.
MULANEY (CONT’D)
--when did this green room get so spine-tingling?
LEYLA
You have nothing to fear from me, John Mulaney. Unless I change my mind.
MULANEY
Now that was sinister.
MULANEY LOOKS OVER AT AN EMPTY TABLE.
MULANEY (CONT’D)
Where’d the Popchips go? I was looking forward to those.
LEYLA
Focus, man. They’re gone. All gone, your Jeselnik and hobo and your Popchips.
MULANEY
What’s going on?
LEYLA
I’m here to help you, John Mulaney.
MULANEY
Help me do what?
LEYLA
Be quiet a second and I’ll tell you. I’ll help your career.
MULANEY
I'm sorry, I don't need a manager.
LEYLA
I do more things for you than a manager ever could.
MULANEY
I’m sorry, I don’t need drugs.
LEYLA
Listen, man. I want to offer you a deal. You give me a little something, I make you America’s favorite funnyman.
FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE CONVERSATION, IT IS CLEAR THAT MULANEY THINKS HE IS BEING PRANKED.
MULANEY
I see. Wow. How would you do that?
LEYLA
I’ve done it before, for many, many comics.
MULANEY
“Many, many comics,” eh? Like who?
LEYLA
Too many to name.
MULANEY
Lou Cannon?
LEYLA
No, you cannot blame me for him.
MULANEY
George Carlin?
LEYLA
No.
MULANEY
Can’t you just tell me?
LEYLA
I don’t like to brag. You can keep guessing though.
MULANEY
Amy Schumer?
LEYLA
Yes, that was me.
MULANEY
Hey, nice work. Brad Garrett?
LEYLA
Yes, Garrett too.
MULANEY
Way to go! Chris Rock?
LEYLA
No, not Chris Rourke.
MULANEY
Chris Rock.
LEYLA
Chris Ro--Rourke.
MULANEY IS OPENLY AMUSED.
LEYLA (CONT’D)
Give me a break, it’s the accent.
MULANEY
I know, I know, I’m sorry. It’s just--Chris Rourke! It’s funny.
LEYLA
It is?
MULANEY
Kind of. I’m sorry. I swear, laughing at accents is something I grew out of twenty-five years ago. (THEN) So you had nothing to do with the meteoric rise of Chris Rourke?
LEYLA LOOKS STEAMED.
LEYLA
Well guess what, chuckles?
MULANEY
Yeah?
LEYLA
I am an agent of the devil.
MULANEY
I’d figured that much out.
LEYLA
That’s right, I was sent by Satan himself. And I was going to strike a Faustian bargain with you to make you a star.
MULANEY
Well Faustian or not, if it’s good enough for Schumer and Garrett, it’s good enough for me.
LEYLA
But now, instead, I place a curse on you.
MULANEY
Oh dear, what kind of curse?
LEYLA
John Mulaney, for the rest of your days, you will refer to Chris Rour--
MULANEY POINTS AT LEYLA AND GRINS.
LEYLA (CONT’D)
You will pronounce the name of the famous comic who directed and starred in I Think I Love My Wife as--
THUNDERCLAP.
LEYLA (CONT’D)
--Chris Rourke!
BEAT.
MULANEY
That’s it?
LEYLA
That’s it.
MULANEY
I think I can handle that.
LEYLA
We’ll see, John Mulaney. We shall see.
LEYLA LAUGHS. MULANEY STANDS STILL, WAITING FOR THE PUNCHLINE.
CUT TO:
INT. MULANEY’S APARTMENT - THE NEXT MORNING
MULANEY IS ASLEEP IN THE FETAL POSITION ATOP THE KITCHEN SINK. HE IS WEARING THE SAME CLOTHES HE WORE IN THE GREEN ROOM. HE OPENS HIS EYES AND SEES JANE AND MOTIF OBSERVING HIM.
JANE
He’s drinking again.
MOTIF
Sure looks that way.
JANE
He’ll be so much more fun now.
MOTIF
Sure, sometimes he’ll be fun, but most of the time he’ll be grumpy and sick. I’m ambivalent.
MULANEY
I’m not--
MULANEY STARTS COUGHING. HE TURNS ON THE SINK AND SPLASHES WATER INTO HIS MOUTH.
MULANEY (CONT’D)
I wasn’t drinking.
JANE
Then what happened to you last night?
MOTIF
Yeah, I wanna hear this. If you wake up in the kitchen sink and you haven’t been drinking, something terrible and hilarious must have happened.
MULANEY
Let me think a second.
MULANEY RUBS HIS EYES, PULLS HIMSELF TOGETHER.
MULANEY (CONT’D)
Last thing I remember--that’s right, I had a great set, the new stuff really killed, I mean, the crowd was eating it up, they couldn’t get enough of me--
JANE
Nevermind.
JANE WALKS TOWARD HER BEDROOM.
MULANEY
Sorry Jane, come back.
JANE COMES BACK.
MULANEY (CONT’D)
After the set I went back to the green room to eat some Popchips but everyone was gone except this weird woman who said she was sent by the devil.
MOTIF
That’s some spooky stuff, Mulaney.
MULANEY
I wouldn’t worry, Motif. I’m pretty sure Jeselnik put her up to it.
MOTIF
Why’d he do that?
MULANEY
He’s been trying to get me back since I called him on the phone pretending to be Abe Foxman. He totally bought it.
JANE
So what did this devil lady say?
MULANEY
I guess I didn’t take the whole thing seriously enough for her liking so she pretended to put a curse on me.
MOTIF
What kind of curse?
MULANEY
I don’t remember. Next thing I knew you two were speaking with some enthusiasm about my return to blackout drinking.
MOTIF
I wouldn’t worry about the devil lady, Mulaney. I’m sure it was nothing.
MULANEY
Yes, Motif, as an adult human, I am aware of that. It was a prank.
MOTIF
Of course, you did wake up in the kitchen.
MULANEY
I'm not going to think about that.
MOTIF
Of course, you did wake up in the kitchen.
MULANEY
I'm not going to think about that.
JANE
Oh who cares? Even if she did put a curse on you, your life is so crappy you probably wouldn’t notice.
MULANEY’S “PEG” RINGTONE GOES OFF. HE TAKES HIS PHONE OUT OF HIS POCKET AND ANSWERS.
MULANEY (ON PHONE)
Hi Lou...Really?...Yeah, I’ll be there in an hour.
MULANEY PUTS HIS PHONE AWAY.
JANE
See, now was that Satan’s curse or just your terrible life?
MULANEY
There was nothing cursed about it. Guess who agreed to appear on the Celebrity BOO Guessed It Halloween special?
JANE AND MOTIF
Who?
MULANEY
I’ll give you a hint, he’s a comedy legend, and I’m about to be introduced to him at Lou Cannon’s penthouse.
JANE
My God I’m so bored will you please just tell us?
MULANEY
The one and only Chris Rourke!
JANE AND MOTIF DON’T UNDERSTAND.
MULANEY (CONT’D)
Chris Roo--Chris Roo--Chris Rourke.
MOTIF
The kid from Life Goes On?
JANE
That was Chris Burke. Chris Rourke was that stockbroker I dated who went hunting with his boss and never returned.
MOTIF
Do you mean Chris Rock?
MULANEY
(RESIGNED) Yes I do, Motif. And I think I remember remember what the satanic curse was.
FADE TO:
INT. MULANEY’S APARTMENT - FORTY MINUTES LATER
MULANEY, JANE, AND MOTIF ARE CONFERRING IN THE LIVING ROOM. MULANEY HAS FRESHENED UP AND CHANGED HIS CLOTHES. JANE AND MOTIF ARE STILL IN THEIR PAJAMAS.
MULANEY
All right, I think I can do it. I think I’m ready to make it through this whole meeting without having to say Chris’s last name.
MOTIF
(SUPPORTIVE) Why would you have to say his last name? It’ll never happen.
MULANEY
Right? There’ll be a little small talk, a little getting to know ya, and then we’ll throw some ideas around for the show. There will be no reason for me to say “rock.”
MOTIF
You just said it!
MULANEY
You’re right! Let’s see: (OVERENUNCIATED) Rock. Rock. Rock and roll. Rock me Amadeus. Everything’s gonna be alright rockabye. Chris Rourke, nope, still cursed.
JANE
Try “Mr. Rock.”
MULANEY
Mr. Rourke--dammit!
MOTIF
You’ll be fine, Mulaney. It's 2015. People don’t need last names anymore. Just call him Chris, projecting the illusion that you are his equal and also a confident person.
JANE
And if Chris isn’t working for you, use kiss-ass titles like “the legend,” “the man,” or, “this fantastic guy over here.” But whatever you do, do not call him Mr. Rourke. You’ll sound like an idiot.
MULANEY
Thanks guys. Wish me luck.
JANE AND MOTIF
Good luck, Mulaney.
MULANEY EXITS.
MOTIF
He’s just crazy, right?
JANE
Yes.
MOTIF
And there’s no curse?
JANE
Don’t be stupid.
MOTIF
But he’s drinking again?
JANE
We can only hope.
ACT 2
INT. THE ELEVATOR TO LOU’S PENTHOUSE
MULANEY STANDS IN THE ELEVATOR ALONE, PRACTICING HIS GREETINGS.
MULANEY
“Hi Chris! John Mulaney.” “Hey there, sir, I’m John Mulaney.” “It’s the legend himself! Me, well I’m just little old Johnny Mulaney.” Nooo let’s not do that one.
THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN.
INT. LOU’S PENTHOUSE - CONTINUOUS
LOU AND CHRIS ROCK SIT ON THE COUCH. MULANEY ENTERS.
LOU
There he is, the young man we’re all so keen on.
CHRIS ROCK
This the one you were telling me about?
LOU
That’s right, it’s that rising star, young John Mulaney. I just know you two will collaborate fabulously, both on this show and in the future.
CHRIS ROCK STANDS UP AND EXTENDS HIS HAND. MULANEY SHAKES IT. HE IS CLEARLY THRILLED TO BE MEETING ONE OF HIS HEROES.
CHRIS ROCK
Hey there, Mulaney. I’m Chris Rock.
MULANEY
It’s an honor to meet you, Mr. Rourke.
MULANEY COVERS HIS MOUTH. HE IS MORTIFIED.
LOU STANDS UP.
LOU
(BEMUSED) What did you call him?
MULANEY
(FAKE ENTHUSED) The man! The legend himself!
LOU
Did you say “Mr. Rourke”?
MULANEY
Yes I did, I’m sorry Lou, (TO CHRIS ROCK) I’m sorry--the legend himself. There’s something wrong with my tooth. It’s making me pronounce things funny.
LOU
Is this a bit you’re doing right now? Because while it might be hilarious to millennials, I do not understand it and I certainly don't appreciate it being tested out in my home.
MULANEY
No Lou, it’s not--
LOU
Are you trying to get dental coverage? Is that it?
LOU MOVES IN CLOSE TO MULANEY AND SPEAKS MENACINGLY INTO HIS EAR.
LOU (CONT’D)
I put my reputation on the line for you and you come in here calling him funny names? What’s wrong with you?
CHRIS ROCK
Lou, it’s fine, I didn’t even notice.
LOU
No no, Chris, I know you’re an easygoing guy, but you shouldn’t have to accept this type of disrespect. John, you’re fired.
MULANEY IS DUMBSTRUCK.
CHRIS ROCK
No, Lou--
LOU
Chris, please, he’s my employee, he’s disrespected you, I won’t have that. John, please leave and never return.
MULANEY TURNS TOWARD THE ELEVATOR AND PUSHES THE BUTTON.
CHRIS ROCK
(TO LOU) Are you insane?
LOU
Perhaps, but aren’t all us geniuses touched with a bit of madness?
MULANEY EXITS ONTO THE ELEVATOR.
INT. THE ELEVATOR FROM LOU’S PENTHOUSE - CONTINUOUS
MULANEY IS CRESTFALLEN. THE ELEVATOR STOPS AND THE DOORS OPEN. ANDRE ENTERS.
ANDRE
Hey Mulaney.
MULANEY
Andre.
ANDRE
Visiting your boss?
MULANEY
He’s not my boss anymore. He fired me.
ANDRE
Oh no. If this throws your life into disarray, mine is sure to follow. Time to skip town.
ANDRE GETS OFF AT THE NEXT FLOOR.
MULANEY CONTINUES TO RIDE THE ELEVATOR DOWN.
FADE TO BLACK
INTERTITLE:
FOURTEEN MONTHS LATER
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS
FADE TO:
INT. A STRIP CLUB
MULANEY IS SITTING ON A STOOL IN FRONT OF A STRIPPER POLE. SHABBY CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS FESTOON THE STAGE. ATTACHED TO THE POLE IS A CRUDE SIGN THAT READS “OPEN MIKE STANDUP COMEDY 3 - 4 pm”.
MULANEY APPEARS RELAXED, PERHAPS A BIT BUZZED, AND ALSO FAIRLY STUBBLY. HIS CLOTHES ARE A FRAYED, UNWASHED PARODY OF HIS FORMER STYLE. HE IS MID-ROUTINE.
MULANEY
I tried to get another job in comedy. I didn’t think it would be that hard. I finally had something to put on my resume. I had worked for Lou Cannon, may his memory be a blessing. Of course Lou Cannon in the year 2015 was an embarrassment to himself and every community he ever belonged to, but he was a name, and I figured that would be enough. The important thing was, in my time with Lou, I’d showed that I could hack it, that I could write jokes every day. That’s all anyone cared about. No one cared if you were actually funny or not, just that you could do the work. They liked if you were funny, but it wasn’t a prerequisite. At any rate, Lou Cannon, even as the hacky clown he’d become, he could still destroy someone’s career for little to no reason, and that’s just what he did to me. No one in comedy would consider me for a job because TV's Lou Cannon had convinced them I was a “sassy boy and a crypto-racist who thought he was better than Chris Rour”--well, anyway. I ran out of money. My roommates and I lost our surreally inexpensive Manhattan apartment. They moved to Queens, I moved back in with my parents. So here we are. Sorry I didn’t tell any jokes. I have jokes. Some of them are funny and some of them aren't, and it’s usually up to you to decide which is which. But tonight--an hour ago I heard the news that Lou Cannon died, and I thought I’d let you know a little bit about what kind of man he was. You’d think, given the evolution of his career and the queasy showbiz caricature he became, that he would have at least left us with a comical death, something with a taste of the absurd, some pathos. He should have mixed cocaine and viagra until his heart stopped, or died on the table following botched plastic surgery. But no. He went and got bone cancer. Jesus. Dying of bone cancer--that’s definitely in the top five least funny things Lou Cannon ever did.
MULANEY EXITS THE STAGE TO UTTER SILENCE. HE IS REPLACED BY CHET, THE EMCEE.
CHET
Well that was John, everybody, who apparently would like us to know that he used to live in New York. He’s a big shot who used to buy toilet paper at Duane Reade and he has Anthony Jeselnik’s phone number. As for me, my name is Chet and I’m your host. If anyone wants to go next, please let me know so we can keep John off the stage. The girls will be back at four. Have a good time. It’s the holidays.
MULANEY STANDS AT THE UNATTENDED BAR WAITING FOR THE BARTENDER TO RETURN WHEN HE NOTICES JANE AND MOTIF SITTING AT A NEARBY TABLE.
MULANEY
Oh my God.
MULANEY IS THRILLED. JANE AND MOTIF ARE HAPPY TO SEE HIM BUT EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THEIR SURROUNDINGS AND WHAT’S BECOME OF THEIR FRIEND. THEY ALL AWKWARDLY EMBRACE. MULANEY SITS DOWN WITH THEM.
MULANEY (CONT’D)
What are you doing here?
JANE
We just came in for a drink and there you were.
MULANEY
Really?
JANE
No, you idiot, we came to see you.
MOTIF
It’s been too long, Baby Boy. We need to catch up.
MULANEY
You guys are nuts. Instead of one of the thousands of more convenient ways to contact me, you fly to Chicago on Christmas Eve? Or did you come here in the back of a van with a polka band?
MOTIF
Well, actually--
JANE
You never return our calls or emails. So we had to just--fly on out here.
MULANEY
I’ll tell you what, I want no part of that air travel business. I’ve been following a lot more professional comics on twitter lately, and apparently flying these days is a neverending nightmare. I really dodged a bullet by never becoming successful.
MOTIF AND JANE LOOK AT EACH OTHER KNOWINGLY.
JANE
Have you really given up?
MULANEY
That’s a pretty negative spin to put on it.
JANE
Do you still want to be a successful comic?
MULANEY
No.
JANE
So you've given up.
MULANEY
Just on comedy. And acting. And sitcom creating and talk show hosting. But I haven't given up on being just some random guy, so you can't exactly say I'm a quitter.
JANE
Do you still want to be a successful comic?
MULANEY
No.
JANE
So you've given up.
MULANEY
Just on comedy. And acting. And sitcom creating and talk show hosting. But I haven't given up on being just some random guy, so you can't exactly say I'm a quitter.
MOTIF
That ain’t right, Mulaney.
MULANEY
Why, what do you know that I don't?
MOTIF
You’re a great comic.
MULANEY
So?
MOTIF
So why are you doing open mics at strip clubs?
MULANEY
MULANEY
Why, what do you know that I don't?
MOTIF
You’re a great comic.
MULANEY
So?
MOTIF
So why are you doing open mics at strip clubs?
MULANEY
I can’t go back to my old spots, Motif. Those are places you play on the way up. A place like this--you don’t even play it on the way down, you play it on the way to the hospital to get treated for sepsis. Also I work here washing dishes.
MOTIF
That is convenient.
MULANEY
Plus I got banned from most of the old spots. I’m drinking again, by the way.
MULANEY SIGNALS TO A WAITRESS, WHO BRINGS HIM A TUMBLER OF BROWN LIQUOR.
JANE
Mulaney.
BEAT.
MULANEY
Yes Jane?
JANE
It was always obvious to me that you were going to be ridiculously successful, so I assumed I’d never have to defile myself by saying this. But--you’re funny. You’re good at comedy. As good as anyone.
MULANEY
You hate comedy.
JANE
I hate genocide too but I can tell when someone’s good at it. You need to move back to New York. Lou is dead. He can’t hurt your career anymore.
MULANEY
Jane, Motif, I love you guys. It’s amazing that you’d fly out here to try to make me come back to New York and pursue my old dreams. That you guys believe in me that much--it's really filling my heart with joy. This is what Christmas is all about.
MOTIF
So you’re coming back?
MULANEY
God no.
JANE
Why not?
MULANEY
What was I even doing out there?
JANE
Following your dream, Mulaney. Just like Motif and all you sick people do.
MULANEY
You’re right, Jane, it was a sickness. It was never about entertaining other human beings. No comic cares about making people happy. They all think they do--the dishonest ones, anyway, which is all of them--but all they care about is differentiating themselves from the cud-chewing normies in the audience. That’s what performing is: getting up onstage and showing that you’re more clever than everyone else, and blessing the crowd with a chance to acknowledge it.
MOTIF
You know, Mulaney, speaking on behalf of people who haven’t quit and aren’t completely cynical--it’s possible some of us might be offended by that.
MULANEY
I don’t mean anything against you, Motif. You’re great and funny and I love you and if you care about being famous I hope it happens. But come on, are you going to tell me you stand on a pedestal with a microphone and risk total humiliation because you care that much about some asshole in the audience having a good laugh at the end of a hard day?
MOTIF
It’s what I was born to do. I do it because I have to.
MULANEY
Sure you do, champ.
JANE
Mulaney, can we get to the most pressing issue? You’ve been reduced to washing dishes in a strip club. Come back to New York. It won’t be worse than this.
MULANEY
Jane, I graduated from college, I can get a better job than this. Hell, I could even go to work for my dad’s law firm if the mood strikes me to shoulder that indignity. I just like it here for now.
JANE
You like it?
MOTIF
Mulaney, there are plenty of likable strip clubs out there. This is not one of them.
MULANEY POURS HIS DRINK DOWN HIS THROAT.
MULANEY
I know, it’s terrible, I love it. When I moved back, I didn’t know what to do, so I came into the sleaziest place I could find and asked for a job because it seemed like such a pathetically Kilgore Trout thing to do after you blow it in the Big Apple. Turns out the work suits me.
MOTIF
So that’s it? You’re a dishwasher from now on?
MULANEY
Well no, I can’t stay here forever because the pay is crap and I’d like to move out of my parents’ house at some point. But every once in a while Chet gives me a hundred bucks to watch him masturbate.
JANE
Oh Mulaney.
MULANEY
(SHRUGGING) I just let my eyes lose focus. He’s quite fast. (THEN) This is the perfect place to do comedy too. I can get it out of my system and no one can accuse me of being ambitious. The stakes are zero, I can say whatever I want, and once I’m done I know I’m not better than anybody else because I’m the dishwasher at a strip club.
MOTIF
Yeah, you didn’t tell jokes. That’s some innovative stand-up comedy.
MULANEY
I could probably do a Michael Richards routine and no one would even notice.
MOTIF
Yeah maybe don't test out that theory.
MULANEY
How long are you in town for?
MOTIF
Yeah maybe don't test out that theory.
MULANEY
How long are you in town for?
JANE
Just the night.
MULANEY
What?
JANE
Yeah, just--in and out. We've got busy lives to get back to in New York.
MULANEY
Well you'll have to stay with me and my parents.
JANE
Yeah, just--in and out. We've got busy lives to get back to in New York.
MULANEY
Well you'll have to stay with me and my parents.
JANE
Mulaney--
MULANEY
Are you crazy? It’s Christmas Eve. I insist.
MOTIF
Your mom didn’t seem too eager to offer us hospitality when we stopped by earlier.
MULANEY
She was probably just embarrassed to tell you her beautiful brilliant boy was doing open mic at the strip club where he works. She’ll be thrilled to have you.
MOTIF AND JANE LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER.
JANE
We didn’t have anyplace else to stay.
MOTIF
Thanks, Mulaney.
MULANEY
It’s no problem. You can come to midnight Mass with us.
JANE AND MOTIF LOOK HORRIFIED.
JANE
Midnight Mass? Oh no. Don't tell me you believe in Jesus now.
MULANEY
Kind of. Not really. But I’m working on it. Because if this world is all there is, I might have to kill myself. Let’s go.
MULANEY EXITS. JANE AND MOTIF PICK UP THEIR BACKPACKS AND FOLLOW.
ACT 3
INT. THE MULANEY RESIDENCE - DINING ROOM
JANE AND MOTIF SIT AT THE TABLE WITH MULANEY’S MOTHER PATTY. THEY HAVE JUST FINISHED EATING.
MULANEY ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH THREE BEERS.
PATTY
Oh John, don’t you think you’ve had enough? It’s Christmas Eve. We still have to go to church.
MULANEY KISSES HIS MOTHER ON THE HEAD AND DOES NOT ADDRESS HER CONCERN. HE HANDS BEERS TO JANE AND MOTIF. JANE PUSHES HERS AWAY.
JANE
I think I’m good.
PATTY
That’s a smart girl, Janey. If you drink too much beer you might end up having to excuse yourself to the ladies’ room in the middle of Mass.
JANE
You know on second thought I am pretty thirsty.
JANE GULPS HER BEER.
MOTIF
Thanks for dinner, Patty. That was delicious.
PATTY
It was my pleasure, Gerald. It was so nice of you two to just--pop in unannounced all the way from New York.
MOTIF
I hope we’re not imposing.
MULANEY
Don’t be silly, Motif. All Catholics pray that Christmas Eve will bring them two weary travelers with no place to stay. We’re in heaven right now.
PATTY
You’re not pregnant, are you Jane?
JANE
(TOO QUICKLY) No, why?
PATTY
I’m just joking, of course. Let me clear the those plates away for you.
MULANEY
I’ll help.
PATTY AND MULANEY EXIT TO THE KITCHEN WITH ARMFULS OF DISHES.
MOTIF
Whoa.
JANE
I know.
MOTIF
I can’t believe she asked if you were pregnant.
JANE
Yeah.
MOTIF
For a second I was like, how’d she know?
JANE
Yes, Motif.
MOTIF
Then I figured out it was just a joke about Mary and Jesus.
JANE
Yes, I got it.
MULANEY ENTERS AND SITS BACK DOWN.
MULANEY
You guys excited about Mass?
MOTIF
Sure.
JANE
No.
MULANEY
You should be. It’s gonna be weird.
AWKWARD SILENCE.
JANE
So where’s your dad?
MULANEY
Good question. (SHOUTING TO THE KITCHEN) Hey Mom, where’s Dad?
PATTY (O.C.)
Oh, you know your father.
MULANEY LOOKS AT JANE AND SHRUGS. HE TAKES ANOTHER SIP OF BEER. ANOTHER AWKWARD SILENCE ENSUES.
FADE TO:
EXT. AN ISOLATED SPOT BEHIND THE CHURCH
JANE AND MOTIF STAND TOGETHER, TALKING AND TRYING TO AVOID THE NOTICE OF ANY PASSING CATHOLICS.
JANE
Mulaney’s become a prick, Motif. I think we need to move to plan B.
MOTIF
We don’t have a plan B, Jane.
JANE
Then we need to think of one fast because plan A has turned out to be garbage.
MOTIF
Plan A is good. I’m sticking with plan A.
JANE
So you still think if Mulaney moves back to New York, our lives will go back to normal? And we’ll go back to having wacky problems like “my cat doesn’t like me” instead actual problems like “we both got blackout drunk and apparently slept together because I’m pregnant”?
MOTIF
All I know is, when Mulaney was in our lives, things were fun. They weren’t always hilarious, but they were at least pretty funny. Things didn’t always even make sense, but everything always ran its course and nothing much changed. Everything was okay all the time. People might not think okay is good enough, but if things are always okay--that’s pretty damn good. Then our skinny white roommate runs away on his lithe, shapely legs, and our lives fall apart. It could be a coincidence but I have to believe it’s not.
JANE
I want to believe it too, Motif, I do. That’s why I’m here. But look at what Mulaney’s become. If he comes back to New York he’ll just drag us down even further. There’s no going back. What we had is gone.
MOTIF
What do you suggest we do?
JANE
We suffer through as much church as we have to, try to catch a couple hours of sleep, and then sneak out and catch the earliest bus home.
MOTIF
Okay, but then what?
JANE
Then we scrape together enough pennies for an abortion and once we take care of that unpleasantness we continue doing what we’ve been doing.
MOTIF
Lying on the floor of our hovel drinking box wine and watching Celebrity You Guessed It reruns?
JANE
I’m not married to the details, but essentially, yes.
MULANEY ENTERS FROM AROUND THE CORNER. HE IS IN A FESTIVE, DRUNKEN, JOLLY MOOD.
MULANEY
So that’s where you two are hiding yourselves. Trying not to be seen by the faithful?
JANE
We were about to go in.
MULANEY
You have nothing to fear. These religious Midwesterners are good, salt of the earth folks, just like us three.
BEAT.
MULANEY (CONT’D)
You know--at heart.
BEAT
MULANEY (CONT’D)
You don’t have any weed, do you?
MOTIF
Nah.
JANE
Sorry Mulaney.
MULANEY
You sure? Because this is the spot where teens used to gather to get high, and I would love to relive those days.
MOTIF
I'm black, I can't travel with it.
MULANEY
It’s harder to get it out here, you know. It’s not like New York, where an annoying drug dealer randomly pops up at your apartment every day.
MOTIF
Hey, another reason for you to come back.
MULANEY
This’ll have to do.
MULANEY LIGHTS A CIGARETTE.
MULANEY (CONT'D)
(GESTURING TO HIS CIGARETTE) I go through the motions of hiding it from my mom and she’s finally started going through the motions of pretending not to smell it on me. It’s an uneasy detente, but it works.
JANE GROANS.
JANE
I can’t take it.
MULANEY
What’s that, Janey?
JANE
You! You’re pathetic. The strip club, the cigarettes, the--going to church.
MULANEY
What’s pathetic about church?
JANE
There’s nothing pathetic about church. What’s pathetic is a thirty-one year old man who hides his smoking habit and pretends to be Catholic just to please his mother.
MULANEY
Oh Googoosh joon, don’t be an idiot. I don’t go to church for her. That’s for me.
JANE
Please. I know you play it all wishy washy and "spiritual" because you’re terrified of everything, but you and I both know you don’t believe in God.
MULANEY
You’re right, I don’t.
JANE
So?
MULANEY
I’m not just going to accept that and live with it. Faith isn’t something that comes naturally anymore. Even though my parents tried to indoctrinate me with it, it never made sense. It made me feel a kinship with the family on Just the Ten of Us, but that's about it. But I’m working hard on changing that. On a good day I believe in God for like--four minutes. Maybe three. But that’s up from zero.
JANE
What do you need to believe in God for? You’re a drunk who works at a strip club.
MULANEY
Drunks who work at strip clubs need God most of all, Jane. Anyone with a passing knowledge of Western theology would know that.
MOTIF
Look, I think it’s great if you wanna believe in Jesus, but Jane’s right. You resent this place. I know that on more than one occasion you've even blamed your erectile dysfunction on the Catholic Church. So I don’t really get what you’re doing here.
MULANEY
How would you know that?
MOTIF
Thin walls, Young Mula.
MULANEY
How would you know that?
MOTIF
Thin walls, Young Mula.
MULANEY
Well regardless of what I may or may not have blamed on my religious upbringing, things are different now. I’m working on my faith.
MOTIF
That’s the sort of thing you used to call “a bunch of malurkey.”
MULANEY
Malarkey.
MOTIF
Exactly.
MULANEY
Malarkey.
MOTIF
Exactly.
MULANEY
Maybe you’re right. But if I understand faith correctly, what it is is, you try to believe that there’s something important out there that really cares about you. It cares about everyone else too, just as much as it cares about you, but that’s not supposed to matter, because, you see, it cares about you. And it’s important, so therefore I guess you’re important.
JANE
Okay, and you want this deity creeping on you because?
MULANEY
Same reason I did comedy. Having God watching me is just like being onstage except instead of hoping strangers like me, I know that God loves me and that glory awaits me in the kingdom of heaven.
MOTIF
Sounds nice.
MULANEY
Of course, the kingdom of heaven probably doesn’t exist, so the entire reward may consist of the knowing that I’ll go there, even though there isn’t real. I think that's what grace means.
BEAT.
JANE
That doesn’t make any sense.
MULANEY
It doesn’t. You’re right. It makes exactly as much sense as striving to get my own TV show which people will love or hate or think is pretty good based on their own convoluted reasons, mostly unaware of the toil and sacrifice and selling-out endured by the tiny man on their screens. But as far as audiences go, I’ll take God over people. God doesn’t ignore you and He doesn’t leave mean comments about you on the internet. He just sends you to hell.
MULANEY DROPS HIS CIGARETTE AND STEPS ON IT.
MULANEY
Jesus Christ is born, guys. Let’s go celebrate.
MULANEY EXITS.
JANE AND MOTIF LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER. MOTIF NODS SADLY. THEY FOLLOW MULANEY.
INT. CHURCH
JANE AND MOTIF TAKE SEATS NEAR THE BACK. THE CONGREGATION IS SINGING. MOTIF AND JANE REMAIN SILENT.
MULANEY IS UP FRONT WITH PATTY. STANDING TOGETHER, THEY JOYFULLY SING “GOOD KING WENCESLAS” WITH THE REST OF THE CONGREGATION. MULANEY PUTS HIS ARM AROUND PATTY. SHE BEAMS FOR A MOMENT, THEN LOOKS CONCERNED AS SHE SMELLS THE CIGARETTE ODOR COMING OFF HER SON, BUT SOON HER SMILE RETURNS. THEY BOTH SING THEIR HEARTS OUT.
FADE TO BLACK
FADE IN:
EXT. THE MULANEY RESIDENCE - DAWN
JANE AND MOTIF QUIETLY SLIP OUT THE FRONT DOOR WITH THEIR BACKPACKS. THEY START WALKING TOWARD THE BUS STATION. IT HAS BEEN SNOWING.
FADE TO:
INT. BUS STATION
JANE AND MOTIF ENTER. THEY SIT DOWN NEXT TO EACH OTHER. THEY ARE VERY STILL. AFTER A FEW BEATS JANE GETS UP AND WANDERS OFF.
FADE TO:
EXT. A GREYHOUND BUS
JANE AND MOTIF CLIMB ON BOARD.
CUT TO:
INT. A GREYHOUND BUS
VERY FEW SEATS ARE OCCUPIED. JANE SITS IN ONE OF THE FIRST ROWS AND PUTS HER BACKPACK ON THE SEAT NEXT TO HER.
MOTIF CHOOSES A SEAT A FEW ROWS BEHIND JANE AND SITS DOWN.
FADE TO:
EXT. A GREYHOUND BUS
THE BUS PULLS AWAY.
CUT TO:
INT. A GREYHOUND BUS
MOTIF LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW. A LONG STRETCH OF THE CITY PASSES BY. HIS FACE REVEALS NOTHING.
AS THE BUS PULLS ONTO THE HIGHWAY AND MOTIF STARES AT THE FRIGID LANDSCAPE, LAUGHTER RISES FROM THE STUDIO AUDIENCE. IT BUILDS, LOUDER AND LOUDER, BECOMING MANIACAL, EVEN VIOLENT, AND PERSISTENT, AS THOUGH MEMBERS OF THE LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE NO LONGER NEED TO BREATHE. THIS LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHTER GROWS SO LOUD THAT THE ROAD THE BUS TRAVELS UPON AND THE WHOLE EARTH SURROUNDING IT BEGIN TO TREMBLE. BESIDE THE HIGHWAY THE SNOWY GROUND CRACKS OPEN. IN THE DISTANCE A MOUNTAIN COLLAPSES.
INSIDE THE BUS, HOWEVER, EVERYTHING IS STILL.
