Mulaney - Season 2 - Episode 2: "Extension of the Battlefield"

ACT 1

INT. MULANEY'S APARTMENT - DAYTIME

JANE AND MOTIF SLOUCH AROUND THE LIVING ROOM. THEY ARE DRESSED IN DARK, FORMAL CLOTHES.

MULANEY ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM WEARING A BLACK SUIT. HE IS STRAIGHTENING HIS TIE WITH THE SKILL OF A PROFESSIONAL COMIC.

MULANEY

You guys ready?

JANE AND MOTIF

(BORED) Yeees.

MULANEY

You’re not going to embarrass me, are you?

JANE AND MOTIF

(AS BEFORE) Nooo.

MULANEY

Good.

JANE

Why do we have to go to Oscar's brother's funeral anyway?

MULANEY

We’re human beings, Jane. We support our friends and honor our dead. It’s these tedious obligations that separate us from the animals.

JANE

But where does it end? First you go to your neighbor's brother's funeral, next thing you know you're giving a eulogy for your mailman's bartender.

MULANEY

We love Oscar so we'll be supporting him. It's what decent people do. And I’ll have you know that our letter carrier Denise is in recovery.

JANE

But we never even met Oscar’s brother.

MOTIF

Speak for yourself. I met Mortimer lots of times. He and my dad used to play squash together.

MULANEY

That's right. I forgot all about that. See Jane? We’ll be supporting our friends Oscar and Motif in their time of mourning.

MOTIF

Mourning? I couldn't stand the guy. He used to pull silver dollars out of my ear and throw them at me. I'm pretty sure his friendship with my dad was part of some weird racial psychodrama.

JANE

And you still want to go to his funeral?

MOTIF

I’m just going so I can network among Manhattan’s elite. Try to find me a patron. Some rich old dowager who wants to underwrite my contributions to the comedic arts.

JANE

Wait, there are going to be rich people at Oscar’s brother’s funeral?

MOTIF

There better be. Mortimer was rich as Croesus.

JANE

Croesus? I thought it was "Crowshus".

MOTIF

It's Croesus.

JANE

Are you sure?

MOTIF

Yes, Jane.

JANE

Mulaney?

MULANEY

I don't even know who Croesus was.

MULANEY HAS PRONOUNCED IT MOTIF’S WAY.

JANE

Oh so you're taking Motif's side?

MULANEY

He says it very confidently.

MOTIF

(THEATRICAL) Croesus.

JANE

Fine, Motif, since you're the expert, why don't you tell Mulaney who “Croesus” was?

MOTIF

Now how would I know that?

JANE

Aha!

MULANEY

So who was he?

JANE

How should I know?

A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. MULANEY OPENS IT. IT'S OSCAR. HE'S DRESSED APPROPRIATELY FOR THE FUNERAL BUT OTHERWISE IS HIS USUAL SELF.

OSCAR

Oh hello.

MULANEY

(MOURNFUL) Hi Oscar. You ready to go?

OSCAR

(CHEERFUL) We have plenty of time. I just wanted to make sure I look okay. I haven't worn a suit since I was a character witness at the Bobby Durst trial.

MULANEY

You look great.

OSCAR

Thank you, John, but I wanted Motif's opinion.

OSCAR ENTERS THE LIVING ROOM AND STANDS STILL. MOTIF CIRCLES HIM.

MOTIF

Oscar, if they're giving out best dressed awards at this funeral, you will be in contention.

OSCAR

What fantastic news.

JANE

(TO OSCAR) You seem rather cheerful for someone whose brother just died. (HOPEFUL) Maybe you don’t feel like going to his funeral?

OSCAR

You’re right, Jane. Mortimer and I had a--complicated relationship. But I still feel I should go.

MULANEY

I'm sorry you weren’t close with your brother, Oscar. Did he not approve of your lifestyle?

OSCAR

My lifestyle? You mean the half marathons?

MULANEY

No I mean--you being gay.

OSCAR

That's not my lifestyle, John. That's part of who I am. Mortimer got used to that. It was me who didn't approve of his lifestyle. He was an amoral squash-playing plutocrat and, between you and me, a bit of a racist.

MULANEY

Hey Motif, you called that!

MOTIF

Yeah, Mulaney, let’s celebrate that another one of my accusations of racism has been vindicated. What a wonderful day.

OSCAR

Well, I guess we may as well go bury Morty.

OSCAR, MULANEY, MOTIF, AND JANE GATHER BY THE DOOR AND PREPARE TO LEAVE.

MULANEY

Hey Oscar, do you know who Croesus was?

OSCAR

Of course, I knew him when he lived in the Village back in the ‘60s. If you wanted good grass, Croesus was the man to see.

JANE

Was he rich?

OSCAR

If you judge a man’s wealth by the love in his heart, he was the richest man in the world.

FADE TO:

INT. FUNERAL HOME

THE GUESTS ARE STILL FILING IN FOR MORTIMER’S FUNERAL. OSCAR SITS IN THE FRONT AND ACCEPTS PEOPLE’S SYMPATHETIC HANDSHAKES.

MULANEY, JANE, AND MOTIF SIT IN THE REAR.

MULANEY

I’ve never been to a Jewish funeral before.

JANE

Not again. Is that the real reason we’re here? Are you trying to meet Jewish women?

MULANEY

That’s not it at all. Although--

MULANEY SCOPES OUT THE ROOM.

MULANEY (CONT’D)

I just brought it up because I’m looking forward to the ritual.

MOTIF

What ritual?

MULANEY

You know. The Jewish funeral ritual.

JANE

And what does that consist of?

MULANEY

I don’t know, but I bet it’s good. This stuff’s been passed down for five thousand years.

RABBI NORMAN STEPS TO THE LECTERN TO SPEAK.

RABBI NORMAN

Welcome everybody to the funeral of Mortimer (AIR QUOTES) “Morty” Glass. If you folks are looking forward to any rituals, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but Mr. Glass has requested that neither (LOOKING DOWN AT NOTE CARDS) hokum nor mumbo jumbo interfere with your bereavement process. And yes, if you are thinking by hokum and mumbo jumbo he is referring to such things as prayer and any reference to the Almighty who created all we know and to whom we supplicate ourselves in everlasting gratitude, then you’re right. But still he wanted a rabbi to be here. And as we in Reform Judaism say about everything a Jewish person does, “What could be more Jewish than that?” Anyway, here’s Mortimer’s granddaughter, (SQUINTS AT CARD) Ashley.

ASHLEY APPROACHES THE LECTERN. SHE IS 30 AND VERY ATTRACTIVE.

ASHLEY

I didn’t know Grampa Morty very well, but everyone who did know him declined to speak, so here I am.

IN THE BACK ROW, MULANEY IS TRANSFIXED.

MULANEY

Wow. Oscar’s grandniece is impressive.

JANE

I knew it.

MULANEY

Come on. She’s half Jewish at best.

FADE TO:

INT: MORTIMER’S PENTHOUSE PARLOR

OSCAR, ASHLEY, AND THE OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS SIT IN CHAIRS. EVERYONE ELSE IS SCATTERED AROUND THE ROOM, MINGLING AND EATING HORS D'OEUVRES.

MOTIF HAS JUST FINISHED TELLING A JOKE TO IRENE, AN ELEGANTLY DRESSED ELDERLY WOMAN. THEY ARE BOTH NEAR HYSTERICS.

MOTIF

Right? You know what I’m sayin’. (TO THE REST OF THE ROOM) This lady right here knows exactly what I’m talking about.

IRENE

(NEW YORK PATRICIAN ACCENT) It’s true, Motif. Oh my it’s true. You’ve made me realize, there are times when we are all problem bitches riding aboard the dookie train.

MULANEY AND JANE APPROACH MOTIF AND IRENE.

MULANEY

(TO MOTIF) I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself, but may I remind you we just buried a man?

MOTIF

Relax, Mulaney. Nobody liked Mortimer, right Irene?

IRENE

He was a cretinous, miserly bastard. And a racist to boot. You should have heard the things he said about his squash partner. Come on, Motif, let’s go help ourselves to some party favors.

MOTIF AND IRENE EXIT DOWN A HALL.

JANE

I’ll be damned, Motif landed a dowager.

MULANEY

Yes, it appears he is having a successful funeral. And in a minute, I will be too.

JANE

A successful funeral? What happened to honoring the dead and supporting our friends and all that bullcrap?

MULANEY

That was before I saw Ashley.

JANE

Great, so both you and Motif are just here to meet girls. I’d like to know what the hell I’m doing here.

MULANEY

Supporting Oscar?

JANE

Oh that’s right. Oscar. Maybe he has weed.

JANE APPROACHES OSCAR AND WHISPERS IN HIS EAR. OSCAR NODS ENTHUSIASTICALLY. THEY EXIT.

MULANEY

That should be good.

MULANEY STRAIGHTENS HIS JACKET AND TIE, CHECKS HIS BREATH, AND APPROACHES ASHLEY.

MULANEY

Ashley? My name is John. I just wanted to say I’m so sorry for your loss.

ASHLEY

Thank you, John.

MULANEY

I also wanted to tell you how much I admired you stepping up to give a eulogy.

ASHLEY

Thank you so much. Were you an associate of my grandfather’s?

MULANEY

Me? God no. May I sit down?

MULANEY SITS IN OSCAR’S VACANT CHAIR. HE SMILES AND NODS TO THE MAN ON HIS OTHER SIDE, WHO APPEARS NONE TOO PLEASED WITH HIM. ASHLEY ALSO APPEARS A BIT PUT OFF.

MULANEY

I’m a comedian, actually. Your uncle Oscar is a dear friend of mine and I came to support him.

ASHLEY

(HALF-HEARTED) That’s sweet of you. Which one is Oscar again?

MULANEY

The one who was sitting here?

ASHLEY DOESN’T REACT.

MULANEY (CONT’D)

Nice guy? He’s kind of lilting and flowy? Very wise but a bit of a space cadet? Has stories about everyone? Mortimer’s brother? Are you sure none of this is ringing any bells?

ASHLEY

I know who you’re talking about. I just wanted to see how long you’d keep going.

MULANEY

And?

ASHLEY

It was pretty long. To be honest, I just met Oscar today. Our family isn’t very close. If you’d said you were my cousin I’d have believed you.

MULANEY

Well I’m not.

ASHLEY

Yes, I know.

ASHLEY LOOKS AROUND THE APARTMENT.

MULANEY

(PLAYFUL) Looking for someone more interesting to talk to?

ASHLEY

Yes, actually. But you’ll have to do. Want to explore this place?

MULANEY

Should we? I’m pretty sure the reception is confined to this area and the bathrooms.

ASHLEY

Mortimer’s dead, John. He’s not going to yell at you.

MULANEY

No, but someone else might.

ASHLEY

Come on. Who’s going to take it upon themselves to protect Mortimer’s privacy? (POINTING) One of his ex-wives? The business partner he screwed over? The other business partner he screwed over? More of his ex-wives? Let’s go.

ASHLEY STANDS UP AND EXITS DOWN A HALL. MULANEY LOOKS AROUND TO MAKE SURE HE’S NOT BEING WATCHED. ATTEMPTING TO BE CASUAL, HE VERY UNCASUALLY FOLLOWS ASHLEY DOWN THE HALL.

ACT 2

INT. MORTIMER’S BEDROOM

MOTIF LIES ON THE BED READING A LEATHER BOUND BOOK. IRENE IS RUMMAGING THROUGH THE CLOSET.

MOTIF

Find anything good?

IRENE

The man wore lovely underpants. All rich men do. If they bought their own I’m sure they’d wear sagging BVDs like the rest of the male race, but they have people who buy their underpants for them. And if your job is to buy underpants for a rich man, you’re not going to risk discomforting him.

IRENE STASHES SOME SILK UNDERPANTS INTO HER PURSE.

MOTIF

You have so much to teach me.

IRENE

I’m not sure how useful information about rich men’s underpants will prove to you, Motif. I’m sure anything you could teach me would be much more pertinent. I could use some of your wisdom of the streets.

MOTIF

(MOCK OFFENDED) What makes you think I’m from the streets?

IRENE

Oh dear, I’m sorry. Was that one of those microaggressions?

MOTIF

I’m just playin’, Irene. You’re fine.

IRENE

I’m certainly not fine. Oh what a relic I am, thinking that--oh dear. You’ll have to excuse me. I do my best not to be racist, but I’m eighty years old. Is your background not as--rugged as I’d so prejudicially assumed?

MOTIF

Yeah, I’m one of those middle class black men you read about. But don’t be hard on yourself. Ten years ago I did self-release a CD called Motif’s Wisdom of the Streets.

IRENE

Do more of your material, Motif.

MOTIF

Okay, Irene, but I can’t be giving it away for free. Eventually I’ll have to start charging you.

IRENE

I don’t think that should be a problem.

MOTIF STANDS UP. IRENE PULLS UP A CHAIR AND SITS DOWN.

MOTIF

Well let’s see. Did I do Problem Bitch?

IRENE

Yes.

MOTIF

Dookie Train?

IRENE BURSTS OUT LAUGHING.

IRENE

Yes you did, and it’s still tickling me. Oh dear.

MOTIF

Let’s see. Problem Bitch. Dookie Train. Did I do my Calgary Stampede story?

IRENE

Yes, you opened with it.

MOTIF

After those three I usually get into some crowd work.

IRENE

Ooh, that sounds fun. Do that.

MOTIF

All right.

MOTIF COLLECTS HIMSELF AND PUTS ON HIS MANIC STAND-UP PERSONA.

MOTIF (CONT’D)

Who’s from out of town?

IRENE STARES AT HIM WITH AN IMPASSIVE GRIN.

MOTIF (CONT’D)

Okay. Who’s not from out of town?

IRENE CLAPS HER HANDS AND WHOOPS.

MOTIF

Well gee, thanks for making the trip. What’s your name?

IRENE

Irene.

MOTIF

Irene? I can’t make a joke about that! It’s the prettiest name I ever heard!

IRENE IS DELIGHTED.

MOTIF (CONT’D)

And what do you do, Irene?

IRENE

I’m a widow.

MOTIF

What does that involve? Going to a lot of funerals?

IRENE

(LAUGHING) Yes, yes. Oh my. You’ve got my number all right.

MOTIF

Have you ever thought about filling your non-funeral time by sponsoring a young-ish, urban-seeming artist as he seeks to conquer the world of comedy?

IRENE

I haven’t, but I’d love to hear more!

MOTIF GRINS, TRIUMPHANT.

FADE TO:

EXT. THE BALCONY OUTSIDE MORTIMER’S GUEST ROOM

JANE AND OSCAR SIT AT A TABLE. THEY HAVE JUST FINISHED SMOKING A JOINT. OSCAR IS NICELY RELAXED WHILE JANE IS SUPER HIGH.

JANE

Don’t you ever think about death?

OSCAR

I thought we were talking about crepes, but I guess we can change the subject. Yes, of course I think about death. Especially at funerals.

JANE

And it doesn’t--skeeve you out?

OSCAR

No, no skeeving at all.

JANE

You’re pretty old, you know.

OSCAR

I know. I get to find out what happens when we die very soon. Isn’t it exciting?

JANE

Really, you’re excited?

OSCAR

No. I’m not. But there’s no good reason not to look at death as a new adventure.

JANE

What do you think happens when we die?

OSCAR

I try not to speculate. I’d hate to accidentally figure it out and ruin the surprise. What do you think happens?

JANE

I had a dream once that after Steve Jobs died he moved to this island in the Pacific. Ken Ober was also there. They would send out emissaries into the world of the living to do their bidding and bring back lion flesh, which they would feast on.

OSCAR

What a marvelous theory.

JANE

It’s probably not true.

OSCAR

You never know.

JANE

Eventually you do.

OSCAR

Was Steve Jobs the boss and poor Ken Ober had to be his servant?

JANE

No, it wasn’t like that at all. I mean, Steve Jobs was clearly the first among equals, but they both seemed happy.

OSCAR

Well I like that just fine.

JANE AND OSCAR STARE INTO SPACE.

FADE TO:

INT. MORTIMER’S STUDY

ASHLEY IS EXAMINING MORTIMER’S CABINETS AND LOOKING BEHIND PICTURE FRAMES WHILE MULANEY DOES HIS BEST NOT TO LOOK TOO TENSE.

ASHLEY

Come on, Johnny, you’re a comedian. You can turn this into a bit. That time you inexplicably went to a funeral for some rich guy you had a very tenuous connection to and you ended up hitting on his granddaughter and exploring his penthouse with her. Turn me into a character. We can go viral.

MULANEY

That isn’t a bad idea. But I don’t really like to do “woman are so crazy” jokes.

ASHLEY

I’m not crazy.

MULANEY

I didn’t mean to imply that you were. But if I were to turn this into a bit you’d have to be.

ASHLEY

So what kind of jokes do you do? Surreally idiotic one-liners?

MULANEY

Give me some credit. I tell stories about my life.

ASHLEY

Sounds fascinating.

MULANEY

I explore other issues too.

ASHLEY

Like?

MULANEY

Popular films of the ‘80s and ‘90s.

ASHLEY

Hm, what else?

MULANEY

I write for Lou Cannon.

ASHLEY

You don’t say.

MULANEY

Yeah, I’ll show you. There’s probably a rerun on now.

MULANEY TURNS ON A TELEVISION AND CELEBRITY YOU GUESSED IT APPEARS ON THE SCREEN.

MULANEY (CONT’D)

Yeah, this is the one where a drug dealer named Andre was the celebrity guest because he convinced Lou he was a Vine star.

CUT TO:

INT: CELEBRITY YOU GUESSED IT STUDIO - CONTINUOUS

LOU IS ADDRESSING THE AUDIENCE.

LOU

Today’s very special celebrity you guesser is a huge hit with the young folks. You know him from his videos on vine dot com, which he tells me have received thousands of hits--that’s right, ladies and gentlemen, I said thousands,with a th--please give a warm welcome to Andre.

SCATTERED, MUTED APPLAUSE AND SOUNDS OF BEFUDDLEMENT FROM THE AUDIENCE.

ANDRE (ON THE BIG SCREEN)

Hi Lou! Hi America!

LOU

Thank you for being with us, Andre, but your six seconds are up.

ANDRE

Good one, Lou!

LOU

Was it? Can you explain it to me?

ANDRE

Nope!

CUT TO:

INT. MORTIMER’S STUDY - CONTINUOUS

ASHLEY

Did you write that joke?

MULANEY

No, that was Mintz.

ASHLEY

Good.

MULANEY LOOKS ENCOURAGED.

CUT TO:

INT. CELEBRITY YOU GUESSED IT STUDIO - CONTINUOUS

ANDRE

Richard Mentor Johnson!

LOU

I haven’t asked a question yet.

THE CONTESTANTS LOOK PUZZLED. LOU STANDS WITH A FROZEN SMILE.

CUT TO:

INT - MORTIMER’S STUDY - CONTINUOUS

MULANEY TURNS OFF THE TV.

MULANEY

I think you get the idea.

ASHLEY

That you’re still at the stage of your career where you’re not expected to have integrity?

MULANEY

(MILDLY PEEVED) So you’re gonna lecture me on integrity?

ASHLEY

That was hardly a lecture.

MULANEY

So what do you do for a living that’s so noble?

ASHLEY

I’m rich, John. I don’t need a job or integrity.

MULANEY

The American dream.

ASHLEY HAS RECOMMENCED SEARCHING THROUGH MORTIMER’S THINGS.

MULANEY (CONT’D)

What are you looking for, anyway?

ASHLEY

I’ll know it when I find it. Old rich men always leave weird secrets behind. Diaries of their sex tourism. The shrunken heads of their enemies. And ivory, John--these freaks hoard unspeakable stashes of ivory. They must think it’ll be currency someday. Discovering their secrets is the only thing left in this world that doesn’t bore me.

MULANEY

That explains why you can’t appreciate the humble pleasures of Celebrity You Guessed It.

ASHLEY

You can’t tell me you enjoy writing that trash.

MULANEY

You mean getting to collaborate with a comedy legend every single day? Yes, what a terrible burden.

ASHLEY

So if you’re a comedy legend you get a free pass for life?

MULANEY

It used to be that way, but thankfully not anymore.

ASHLEY

So perhaps you should stop shouting “comedy legend” and instead think about why you're beholden to that twerp and his cruddy gameshow.

MULANEY BEGINS TO DISAGREE, BUT SUDDENLY IT ALL MAKES SENSE.

MULANEY

My God, you’re right.

ASHLEY

Mhmm.

MULANEY

I write for the worst show on television. Lou Cannon hasn’t been funny for twenty years.

ASHLEY

He’s never been funny, but I’ll allow it.

MULANEY

I thought I was paying my dues. But I’m actually degrading our culture and contributing to the humiliation of a once great man who should have retired years ago with his dignity intact.

ASHLEY OPENS A DRAWER.

ASHLEY

Eureka.

MULANEY

What?

ASHLEY

It means “I found it.”

MULANEY

I know that. What did you find?

ASHLEY

Mortimer’s secret.

ASHLEY PULLS OUT A CIGAR BOX AND HANDS TO MULANEY. MULANEY PEAKS INSIDE.

MULANEY
Ah! What are those.

HE FORCES THE CIGAR BOX BACK INTO ASHLEY'S HANDS.

ASHLEY
Fingers.

MULANEY
Why does your grandfather have a box full of fingers?

ASHLEY
In many American businesses these days, if someone isn't performing up to standards, CEOs force them to cut off their finger. It's a custom they stole from the Yakuza, but most of these egomaniacs probably think they invented it.

MULANEY
You're kidding. This really happens?

ASHLEY EXTENDS THE CIGAR BOX TO HIM AGAIN.

ASHLEY
Care to examine them?

MULANEY
No thank you.

ASHLEY SHAKES HER HEAD.

ASHLEY
People like you have no idea what's really going on in this country. 
 

ACT 3

INT. MORTIMER’S BEDROOM

MOTIF AND IRENE ARE LYING ATOP MORTIMER’S BED.

MOTIF

This is the most comfortable I’ve ever been in my life. What’s this mattress made of?

IRENE

Pterodactyl feathers.

MOTIF LAUGHS. IRENE DOES NOT.

MOTIF

Really?

IRENE

Yes. I’d explain but you already know too much.

MOTIF

I’ll understand all these rich people secrets soon enough. With your help, Irene, in ten years time I’ll have Larry David money.

IRENE REACHES OVER AND TAKES MOTIF’S HAND.

IRENE

Are you sure you have what it takes?

MOTIF

Are you kidding? Twitter user @NYCComedyFan0000069 recently called me “supremely confident.”

IRENE

Is he an influential personage in the comedy world?

MOTIF

I follow him.

IRENE

Well in that case, Motif, I have a confession to make.

MOTIF

You can tell me anything.

IRENE

I’m not rich.

BEAT.

MOTIF STARTS LAUGHING.

MOTIF

Very funny, Irene.

IRENE

It’s true. In fact I’m quite poor. Destitute, really.

MOTIF

Have you heard your accent?

IRENE

I used to be rich, of course. But my husband left me nothing. The only reason I’d appear at the funeral of a miserable finger-collector like Morty is because I knew the reception would be catered.

MOTIF

So you have no money?

IRENE

I do not.

MOTIF

So you can’t give me a grant to cover my expenses while I develop a TV pilot?

IRENE

I cannot.

MOTIF

Because if I’m going to create my own show, I need to get on that soon. They’re letting black folks have shows now but you and I both know that never lasts.

IRENE

I wish I could help you, Motif. But all I can offer you is my friendship. It may not help your career, but we get along, don’t we? You could make a lonely old woman rich once again with your companionship.

MOTIF LOOKS DEEPLY INTO IRENE’S EYES.

MOTIF

Of course I’ll be your friend, Irene.

MOTIF AND IRENE EMBRACE.

MOTIF STANDS UP.

MOTIF

All right. I’ll see you around.

MOTIF EXITS.

IRENE LIES THERE A MOMENT, LOOKING MELANCHOLY. SUDDENLY SHE BREAKS INTO LAUGHTER.

IRENE

(IMITATES A TRAIN WHISTLE) Dookie train!

FADE TO:

EXT. THE BALCONY OUTSIDE MORTIMER’S GUEST ROOM

JANE AND OSCAR SIT STARING INTO SPACE, AS BEFORE.

JANE

I think about dying a lot.

OSCAR

Do you?

JANE

I know that a sprightly young millennial such as myself shouldn’t, but I do.

OSCAR

That’s okay with me.

JANE

I used to worry about me dying, but the older I get, I start worrying about other people dying. I’ve never had anyone close to me die. What’ll I do when my parents die?

OSCAR

It’ll be hard, but you’ll manage.

JANE

I’m not so sure.

OSCAR

Jane, almost everybody sees their parents die. Only the very unlucky don’t. Complaining about it is like complaining that you have to work for a living: you’re right to be upset, but please shut up.

JANE

Weed makes you harsh, Oscar.

OSCAR

I’m sorry Jane. But around the time you were born I was watching more of my friends die than most people make in a lifetime. I guess that sort of thing can change your perspective on death.

JANE

Evidently so. Please, Oscar, be more sensitive about my parents’ theoretical demise.

OSCAR

You’ll have to excuse me. My brother just died.

JANE

You said you hated Mortimer.

OSCAR

I said no such thing.

JANE

Didn’t you? Wait. I thought you did.

BEAT.

JANE (CONT’D)

This morning was a long time ago.

OSCAR

I believe I said our relationship was complicated.

JANE

Isn’t that a polite way of saying you hated him and you’re glad he’s dead?

OSCAR

Jane! He was my big brother. I remained desperate for Morty’s approval long after I realized his opinion had no value. And I’ve spent decades terrified to admit that even to myself, which I’m only now realizing after smoking a joint with some funeral crasher.

JANE LOOKS SYMPATHETICALLY AT OSCAR FOR A BEAT.

JANE

So what you’re saying is I should let my parents know how I feel about them before they die?

OSCAR

No, Jane. I wasn’t saying anything of the sort and I couldn’t care less.

JANE

You’re not fooling anyone. Thank you, Oscar. I don’t think I’ve ever told you this, but I consider myself lucky to have such a wise and gay neighbor.

OSCAR

That’s lovely, Jane. Do you think I could have a few minutes alone?

JANE

Sure. I’ll go see how bad Mulaney struck out with your niece.

JANE EXITS. ONCE HE’S SURE SHE’S GONE, OSCAR BEGINS ROLLING ANOTHER JOINT.

FADE TO:

INT. MORTIMER’S STUDY

MULANEY SITS ON THE FLOOR AND APPEARS TO BE IN CRISIS. ASHLEY SITS IN AN ARMCHAIR EXAMINING MORTIMER’S BOX OF FINGERS.

MULANEY

What should I do?

ASHLEY

The way I see it, you have two options.

BEAT.

MULANEY

And they are?

ASHLEY

You could kill yourself, or you could go on living. But those are everybody’s two options. You specifically--you could continue working for Lou Cannon, or you could no longer work for Lou Cannon. I’d advise no longer working for Lou Cannon.

MULANEY

But this is my first real job in comedy. I can’t just quit after a year.

ASHLEY

You don’t have any other offers?

MULANEY

Yes, Ashley, Saturday Night Live is constantly trying to poach talent from Celebrity You Guessed It. Lorne Michaels sends me muffin baskets every week and I send them back unopened with a note that says “shove it.”

ASHLEY

That show hasn’t been funny in years.

MULANEY

A novel opinion.

ASHLEY

So if you quit Lou’s show, what, you’ll have to go get a regular person job while you hone your craft? That doesn’t sound so terrible. I’d rather wait tables than write horrible jokes that some fossil like Cannon rewrites in order to make them less funny and more cluelessly racist.

MULANEY

Look, I finally got my foot in the door, I can’t just take it out. The last thing I want is a reputation as the guy who couldn’t hack it on a gameshow that only employs writers because it’s contractually obligated to.

ASHLEY

(BORED) So instead of pursuing projects you believe in, you’re tailoring your jokes to the voice of a man who once played Raggedy Andy opposite Robert Benigni in drag.

MULANEY

Correct.

ASHLEY

Because not doing so might stymie your progress in a field where you hope to someday be employed doing something you actually believe in.

MULANEY

Absolutely.

ASHLEY

But of course there are no guarantees that will ever happen, because in the entertainment industry someone who doesn’t care if you live or die will always have to write the checks that subsidize your passion.

MULANEY

Pretty much.

ASHLEY

That’s grim.

MULANEY

But if I succeed I’ll be well compensated, artistically satisfied, and I’ll get enough twitter followers that strangers will repeat my old jokes underneath all my tweets.

ASHLEY

I’ll never understand people with goals. Here.

ASHLEY REACHES INTO HER PURSE AND PULLS SOMETHING OUT.

MULANEY

Is that a checkbook?

ASHLEY

It sure is, Johnny.

MULANEY

Wow.

ASHLEY BEGINS WRITING A CHECK.

ASHLEY

Right? Look at generous Ashley over here.

MULANEY

No, I just didn’t know anyone still carried around a checkbook.

ASHLEY

I always like to give people the option of ripping up a check, and that only works with paper. Here.

SHE HANDS MULANEY A CHECK. HE IS AWED BY THE AMOUNT.

MULANEY

What’s this for?

ASHLEY

Quit your job. Take a year off and make something great and be confident that you’ll succeed on your own terms. Or if that scares you, rip up the check and continue working for Lou Cannon and hating yourself and desperately hoarding the single condescending crumb that showbiz has dropped you. Either way. I honestly don’t care which. I just hate to see a man with no options.

MULANEY

(DUMBSTRUCK) Thank you.

ASHLEY

I won’t even notice it’s gone. See you around, John.

ASHLEY EXITS WITH MORTIMER’S BOX OF FINGERS.

MULANEY FOLDS THE CHECK AND PUTS IT IN HIS POCKET. HE STARES THOUGHTFULLY INTO THE DISTANCE, CONSIDERING HIS FUTURE.

FADE TO:

INT. MORTIMER’S PENTHOUSE PARLOR - A FEW MINUTES LATER

MULANEY ENTERS. MOTIF AND JANE ARE THE ONLY ONES IN THE ROOM. THEY LOOK BORED.

MULANEY

What happened to your dowager, Motif?

MOTIF

Turns out she's a filthy liar.

MULANEY

I’m sorry to hear that. How about you Jane? Did you have a nice time with Oscar?

JANE

You should be asking, did Oscar have the time of his life with me? And the answer’s yes. I was on fire. I achieved this clarity, it was like everything I said was so insightful--

MOTIF

(INTERRUPTING) How about you, Mulaney? Did you hit it off with that snooty girl who stopped on her way out the door to make fun of us for being friends with you?

MULANEY

Not exactly. But she did leave me with a little something.

MOTIF

What’s that?

MULANEY

She left me with a choice.

JANE

What did I tell you about being gnomic?

MULANEY

Sorry.

MULANEY TAKES OUT THE CHECK AND HANDS IT OVER. JANE AND MOTIF EXAMINE IT.

MULANEY (CONT’D)

She wrote me a check that could cover all my expenses for over a year, and she said I should either take the money and quit my job so I can work on a project I believe in, or I should tear up the check and continue working for Lou.

MOTIF

So what’re you gonna do?

MULANEY

I’m gonna cash the check and I’m gonna keep working for Lou. I’m not stupid.

JANE HANDS THE CHECK BACK TO MULANEY. SHE POINTS TO THE SIGNATURE LINE.

JANE

Well unfortunately, unless Ashley’s real name is “Give Up On Your Dreams, John,” I don’t think that’s a valid signature. You guys hungry? I’m hungry.

JANE EXITS. MULANEY AND MOTIF LOOK AT THE CHECK, HORRIFIED.

END OF EPISODE