ACT 1
INT. MULANEY’S APARTMENT
THE LIVING ROOM APPEARS TO BE EMPTY. IT IS ALSO A COMPLETE MESS. MULANEY ENTERS HOLDING HIS LAPTOP. HE SITS ON THE COUCH AND BEGINS TYPING.
JANE O.C.
Oh my God.
MULANEY
(UNCONCERNED) Hello, Jane.
JANE PULLS HERSELF UP FROM BEHIND THE COUCH, WHERE SHE EVIDENTLY HAS BEEN SLEEPING. SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE’S HAD A ROUGH NIGHT.
JANE
What is wrong with you?
MULANEY
What?
JANE
That pounding! You’re as loud as a--big monkey thing--
MULANEY
A gorilla?
JANE
--that’s throwing--a metal sewer thing--
MULANEY
A manhole cover?
JANE
--into a--Steve Buscemi.
BEAT.
MULANEY
A woodchipper?
JANE
Yes!
MULANEY
Jane, you’re far too hungover to attempt similes right now. And I’m typing. That’s all I’m doing.
MULANEY DEMONSTRATES. JANE COVERS HER EARS AND COLLAPSES BACK TO THE FLOOR.
MOTIF ENTERS. HE LOOKS AS BAD AS JANE.
MOTIF
Come on, Mulaney, it’s too early to be blasting the original cast recording of Stomp.
MOTIF LOOKS DOWN.
MOTIF
Hey Jane.
JANE O.C.
Hi.
MULANEY
First of all, Motif, it’s five o’clock in the afternoon. Second of all, I am not listening to my 20th anniversary edition of the Stomp soundtrack. If I were you would see the trash can lid-colored vinyl on the turntable. I’m just typing. And not only that, I’m typing very gently with my slender, girlish fingers.
MULANEY SHOWS HIS FINGERS TO MOTIF, WHO NODS, MOLLIFIED. MOTIF DRAGS JANE OFF THE FLOOR, GUIDES HER ONTO THE COUCH. MOTIF SITS DOWN ON MULANEY’S OTHER SIDE.
MOTIF
We just had a rough night.
MULANEY
I know, I was there.
JANE
I don’t remember seeing you
MULANEY
Really? Perhaps that’s because I left at 2 a.m. and roamed the streets till dawn just to get away from you two and your maniac friends.
JANE
Any maniacs in the house were Motif’s friends.
MOTIF
(STARTS TO DEFEND HIMSELF, THEN) Yeah, they’re pretty crazy.
JANE
What are you complaining about anyway, Mulaney? Excuse us for being enthusiastic about your 30th birthday. It’s kind of a major milestone for you.
MULANEY
That’s just it: it was my birthday party. It was supposed to be a sophisticated get together among grown ups, not the climactic scene of some R-rated teen sex romp where young men learn about the multi-faceted value of women just before the cops show up.
MOTIF
I guess we got a little out of hand.
JANE
But you could hardly blame us. You don’t drink, so we had to pick up the slack.
MULANEY
Yes, Jane, I seem to recall you explaining that to me every time you poured yourself a drink.
JANE
Well that couldn’t have been more than two or three times.
MULANEY
Couldn’t it have been? (THEN) It’s none of my business, but I think you guys are too old to be doing this.
MOTIF
I’m a comic, Mulaney. It’s all part of the lifestyle.
MULANEY
I’m a comic and I don’t drink.
MOTIF
That’s different, you’re not that kind of comic.
MULANEY
What kind of comic?
MOTIF
The kind of comic--other comics want to be around.
MULANEY
I see. (TO JANE) You’re not a comic--
JANE
Because if I were, I wouldn’t be here, because I’d be dead, because I killed myself.
MULANEY
So what’s your excuse?
JANE
This body is a finely tuned machine, Mulaney. I know what it needs and what it can handle, and last night was simply a well-deserved overindulgence that this sleekly designed miracle of engineering was perfectly prepared for. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go lie on my side while dry-heaving onto a towel.
JANE EXITS.
MOTIF
Sorry about last night. But if we were being that wild you shoulda said something.
MULANEY
Oh I said something.
MOTIF
That’s not how I remember it. You shoulda been more assertive.
MULANEY
Do you not remember my demonstration?
MULANEY REACHES BEHIND THE COUCH, PRODUCES A PICKET SIGN THAT SAYS “GO HOME OR I’M SETTING MYSELF ON FIRE”.
MOTIF
(AMUSED) Oh yeah, we saw you marching around with that. I made a bet with my boy Luigi. He didn’t think you’d have the guts to do it, but I believed in you.
BEAT.
MOTIF (CONT’D)
You didn’t do it, did you?
MULANEY
No, I did not immolate myself.
MOTIF
Well then you might want to consider pitching in a few bucks to pay Luigi.
MULANEY
I owe you and Luigi nothing, Motif. Do you remember at midnight you made everyone listen to a used CD you’d just bought?
MOTIF
Sounds like something I’d do.
MULANEY
You told us we were about to discover an obscure singer-songwriter who put out a single album sixteen years ago and was never heard from again, and that our minds would be “blown into the stratosphere.”
MOTIF
So?
MULANEY
You put on Chris Gaines.
MOTIF
Oh yeah. You guys weren’t into it.
MULANEY
And when I told you Chris Gaines was Garth Brooks you flipped out.
MOTIF
That’s right. I remember. Then I started wondering which other white folks were actually the same.
MULANEY
And I’d like to reiterate that Rod Stewart and Shadoe Stevens are most definitely not the same person.
MOTIF
Oh we’ll see about that.
MULANEY
You can count me out of that investigation.
MOTIF
Come on, Mulaney. I’m sorry if we ruined your birthday.
MULANEY
It’s fine. I’m not upset at you guys. I just feel like I’m spending all my time either babysitting my boss or hanging around you and Jane. I need to meet some new people.
MOTIF
No no, way I see it, you got three people in your life and they cover three different ethnic bases. You’re efficient, and that’s something to be proud of.
MULANEY
I still love you guys. I just--
MOTIF
Don’t want to be around us as much?
MULANEY
Exactly. It’s not like I’m gonna move out.
MOTIF
Yeah, I tried that already. Didn’t work.
MULANEY
And I could move out very easily too, since I’m not on the lease.
MOTIF
I remember.
MULANEY
I think I just need to be more open to new friendships. There are probably opportunities to make new friends every day. I just don’t look for them because I’m not five.
MOTIF
You think it’s gonna be that easy?
MULANEY
You don’t think I can make friends?
MOTIF
You’re thirty years old. You don’t like to have fun. From what I can tell, you’re on call for Lou Cannon twenty-four to twenty-five hours a day. I’m not sure where people like you go to make friends. The vape store?
MULANEY
Well if you’re challenging me--
MOTIF
No no, Mulaney, I’m not challenging--
MULANEY
So you are, it’s a challenge, is it?
MOTIF
It’s not a--
MULANEY
If it’s to be a contest, then I have all the more incentive to get out into that great big bustling city and somewhere, amidst those eight million people, I’ll find someone like me.
MULANEY EXITS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.
INT. THE HALL- CONTINUOUS
MULANEY LOOKS AROUND. HE DOESN’T KNOW WHERE TO GO. HE KNOCKS ON OSCAR’S DOOR. OSCAR INSTANTLY ANSWERS. HE’S WEARING A VERY ELEGANT SCARF.
OSCAR
Oh hello.
MULANEY
Hi Oscar. Are you busy?
OSCAR
Not at all, come in, come in. My scarf-tailor Newton is here but he was just leaving.
INT. OSCAR’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
NEWTON IS SITTING ON THE COUCH. HE IS PRETERNATURALLY CONFIDENT AND LOOKS A LITTLE BIT LIKE MULANEY BUT TEN YEARS OLDER AND WITH A MUCH MORE INTIMIDATING PHYSIQUE.
OSCAR
Newton, this is my neighbor John. He’s the comedian I’ve been telling you about.
NEWTON AND MULANEY SHAKE HANDS.
NEWTON
Nice to meet you, John.
OSCAR
Newton just told me that he's also a comedian.
MULANEY
In addition to the--tailoring of scarves?
NEWTON
Gotta pay the bills somehow.
MULANEY
Tell me about it. Wait, which--
OSCAR
Newton, tell John that lovely showbiz anecdote you were just regaling me with.
NEWTON
Well, it wasn’t much of an anecdote, really, I was just telling Oscar how in Blazing Saddles the Gene Wilder role was originally going to be played by Gig Young--
MULANEY
--but his alcohol withdrawals were so severe that he couldn’t even keep his lunch down, much less act.
NEWTON
That’s right! And, of course, as we all know he later went on to kill his wife--
MULANEY AND NEWTON
--before turning the gun on himself!
OSCAR
(APPLAUDING) What a delightful story!
MULANEY
Wow, you sure know your comedy.
NEWTON
That I do, John. Probably more than you, but I’m impressed so far. It’s crazy how many so-called comedy people don’t know anything about their art form’s history.
MULANEY
What’s even crazier is that earlier this year, I almost told that showbiz anecdote to a thirteen year old girl.
NEWTON
Why would you do that?
MULANEY
It’s a long story. I was dating her mother. I don’t wanna get into it. So are you new in town? I’ve never seen you at the clubs.
NEWTON
Oh I’m out there. I just don’t like to party, so I don’t hang around that much. It’s more about the art than the networking for me--
MULANEY
Did you just say you don’t like to party?
NEWTON
I know a lot people say it’s a necessary part of the comedian’s lifestyle, but those people are rationalizing their own disease. I’m sorry to disappoint you. No drinking, no drugs, no stumbling home at dawn.
OSCAR
This isn’t disappointing at all, Newton. John hates enjoying himself!
MULANEY
It’s true.
NEWTON
Well hey, maybe the two of us should hang out and talk a little shop.
MULANEY
I’d love that. Are you busy now?
NEWTON
This was my last scarf of the day.
MULANEY
You did a beautiful job.
NEWTON
I didn't need you to tell me that.
MULANEY
Let’s go.
OSCAR
How wonderful! A love connection right here in apartment 405.
MULANEY LOOKS CONFUSED.
MULANEY
Actually, Newton, I needed to talk to Oscar about something real quick. Can I meet you downstairs?
NEWTON
(SARCASTIC) No John, I really really need to know what you and Oscar are going to talk about.
NEWTON EXITS.
MULANEY
Oscar, you know I’m not--
OSCAR
Of course I know you’re not gay, John. Newton isn’t either. I just think you’ll make the most wonderful friends.
MULANEY
Good.
OSCAR
I was speaking of philia, John, a brotherly love connection. The kind that does not require physical expression.
MULANEY
Okay.
OSCAR
But doesn’t necessarily preclude it.
MULANEY
It’s fine, Oscar. I don’t care. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t setting me up on a date. Though I’m sure any man you’d set me up with would be a handsome raconteur I’d be foolish to turn down.
OSCAR
Well I can assure you you’re not going on a date. What you’re doing is finally putting in the effort to make a new friend. Because you spend all your time with that demanding boss and your self-absorbed roommates. You need a friend who’s more like you.
MULANEY
That’s exactly it. You’re very perceptive.
OSCAR
I know, Quentin Crisp once told me the same thing when I asked if he was gay. Also, I was standing at your door just now listening to your conversation with Motif.
MULANEY
Oscar!
OSCAR
It wasn’t on purpose. I’m a little bit high and before I could knock on your door I realized I’d simply forgotten why I had come over. So I stood there listening, and once I got bored I came back here, and next thing I knew you were knocking on my door. Oh my, this has been an exhausting day. Go. Your new friend is waiting.
MULANEY
Thanks Oscar.
MULANEY EXITS. HE STICKS HIS HEAD BACK IN.
MULANEY
Was there a vomit covered towel in the hall when I came in?
ACT 2
INT. MULANEY’S APARTMENT - AN HOUR LATER
JANE SITS LOOKING HAGGARD WHILE MOTIF FINISHES MAKING THEM BREAKFAST. MOTIF IS WILD WITH PARANOIA.
MOTIF
I’m telling you, Jane, it’s over.
JANE
You’re crazy.
MOTIF
If you mean crazy like Martin Lawrence circa 1994, then thank you. But mark my words, Mulaney is through with us.
JANE
You don’t understand, Motif, Mulaney would never leave us unless he knew he had someone to replace me.
MOTIF
You think you’re that important?
JANE
The man has seen me almost every day since college. I’m like his mother, his priest, and his longtime girlfriend who no longer wants anything to do with him sexually, all rolled into one. Without me, all 105 pounds of him would shrivel up and disappear, and he knows it.
MOTIF
You didn’t hear the way he was talking. He was being all bland and non-confrontational and--what’s the word--?
JANE
Cowardly?
MOTIF
That’s it. But believe me, that man is sick of us. We might as well start looking for a new roommate now.
ANDRE ENTERS FROM MULANEY’S BEDROOM. HE’S WEARING WHAT IS PRESUMABLY MULANEY’S BATHROBE, WHICH IS FAR TOO LONG AND TIGHT FOR HIM.
ANDRE
Where do I sign?
JANE
Dammit, Andre. I thought I smelled fartweed coming from Mulaney’s room.
MOTIF
Seriously, Andre, you can’t be sneaking in like that.
ANDRE
Aha, to you, it may appear as though I’m sneaking in.
MOTIF
But?
ANDRE
But nothing. That’s it. You’re right, that’s exactly what I do.
JANE
How did you get in?
ANDRE
My mom made me go to City College for a semester. I majored in being a human fly.
MOTIF
That’s a good skill to have.
JANE
Now finally, why did you human fly your way up our building into Mulaney’s room?
ANDRE
I’m glad you asked. I was standing across the street for a few hours and I happened to notice Mulaney walking out with a confident, sober-looking gentleman. They were talking, laughing, enjoying themselves, as new friends do, so I naturally assumed he’d be moving out soon, and you two would be in need of a new roommate.
MOTIF
See? Mulaney met someone already.
JANE TENSES WITH PARANOIA.
JANE
Oh my God, Motif, you’re right. Mulaney’s already found his new boring-ass bestie. This new guy’s probably got a sister who’s into thin, whimsical, non-threatening men, Mulaney’s gonna marry her, they’re gonna move to L.A., Mulaney will get a late night talk show on USA Network, and we’ll be stuck here trying not to smell Andre.
ANDRE
It’s a plan!
ANDRE TRIES TO GIVE JANE A HIGH FIVE. SHE LEAVES HIM HANGING.
MOTIF
Hold on a minute, Jane. Yo Andre, you sure you can cover Mulaney’s portion of the rent? This is New York, you know. It ain’t cheap.
ANDRE
Yeah, whatever, my mom’ll pay.
MOTIF
It’s two--three thousand a month.
ANDRE
Toothy thousand, fine, whatever.
MOTIF
And that’s just your portion, not the total.
ANDRE
What part of “yes, my mom will pay any price to get rid of me” don’t you understand? Why are we talking about this when we could be planning loony roomie fun time?
MOTIF
(TO JANE) This could maybe work?
JANE
No! We have to find some way to hold onto Mulaney.
CUT TO:
INT. A USED BOOKSTORE
NEWTON HAS MULANEY IN A CHOKEHOLD.
NEWTON
I said, “Take it back! Take it back!”
MULANEY
I take it back!
NEWTON LETS GO.
NEWTON
That’s just what he said.
MULANEY IS COMPLETELY DAZZLED BY HIS NEW FRIEND.
MULANEY
Wow, Newton, I can’t believe you put Louis CK in a chokehold.
NEWTON
This was years ago, before he got all beloved.
MULANEY
Sure, but that’s still impressive.
NEWTON
He had it coming. I do what I think is right and deal with the consequences. Consequences like, to this day, he won’t let anyone hire me.
MULANEY
That’s nuts, Louis CK had you blacklisted?
NEWTON
I assume so. That’s what I would have done. I almost killed the guy.
MULANEY PULLS A BOOK OFF THE SHELF AND HANDS IT TO NEWTON.
MULANEY
Hey Newton, have you read Harpo Speaks!?
NEWTON
I certainly have, John, and you’ll soon learn not to ask me silly questions like that. Harpo Marx was an icon. Of course I’ve read his book.
NEWTON FLIPS THROUGH THE BOOK WISTFULLY.
NEWTON
I love the Jewish people.
MULANEY
Me too!
NEWTON
So many contributions to comedy.
MULANEY
Among other fields!
NEWTON
And there are so few of them, yet they thrive.
MULANEY
In spite of everything history’s thrown at them.
NEWTON
It’s just a shame about Israel.
MULANEY
I don’t know, Newton. Maybe it’s naive, but I still think there’s hope for peace.
NEWTON
I meant it’s a shame the Jewish people have established a genocidal apartheid state on land that isn’t theirs.
MULANEY IS VERY BRIEFLY TAKEN ABACK, UNSURE HOW TO RESPOND.
MULANEY
Oh. Right. That.
NEWTON
But hey, that doesn’t change the fact that they gave us all five Marx Brothers.
MULANEY IS ONCE AGAIN ENTHUSIASTIC.
MULANEY
You even appreciate Gummo Marx?
NEWTON
In some ways, John, I appreciate Gummo most of all. (THEN) So I take it you’re glad Gene Wilder ended up in Blazing Saddles.
MULANEY
You’re damn right! That drunken gentile Gig Young would have ruined the whole movie.
THEY WALK OFF.
FADE TO:
INT. MULANEY’S APARTMENT - FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER
ANDRE IS SPRAWLED ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV. MOTIF AND JANE STAND IN THE KITCHEN OBSERVING HIM. JANE LOOKS HORRIFIED.
JANE
This won’t work.
MOTIF
Even if he pays all the rent and more?
JANE
Yes, Motif, he’s too gross to exploit. He can’t go a minute without saying or doing something disgusting.
MOTIF
You’re exaggerating.
JANE
Hey Andre.
ANDRE
Yes Jane?
ANDRE IS FUMBLING WITH THE REMOTE.
JANE
What are you doing?
ANDRE
I’m setting the DVR to record Rachael Ray.
JANE
You like Rachael Ray?
ANDRE
(LASCIVIOUSLY) In certain ways.
JANE RETURNS HER ATTENTION TO MOTIF, MAKES AN “I REST MY CASE” GESTURE.
MOTIF
That was entrapment. Rachael Ray is fine.
JANE
So you’re okay with Andre watching her show in our living room, five days a week?
ANDRE
Seven.
JANE
Seven days a week?
ANDRE
I usually only watch the first five minutes or so.
MOTIF PAUSES, TORN, BUT JANE’S LOGIC IS UNIMPEACHABLE.
MOTIF
You’re right. So now what? Do we--
JANE AND MOTIF
--sabotage Mulaney’s new friendship?
JANE
Yes, exactly.
ANDRE APPEARS BEHIND THEM. HE HAS SIDLED UP. HE PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND JANE AND MOTIF.
ANDRE
I don’t agree with your aims. But if it will help us grow closer, and prove my worth to you as a roommate, I am willing to help you sabotage Mulaney’s new friendship so that I’ll have to move out.
A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
ANDRE
In my first act as a valuable roommate, allow me to answer the door.
ANDRE OPENS THE DOOR. IT’S LOU.
ANDRE
Hi Mr. Cannon.
LOU
Yes hello, nice to meet you. Is John home?
ANDRE
It’s me, Mr. Cannon. Andre. We’ve met lots of times.
LOU
I’m sorry, son, you must be confused. I get this a lot. You’ve seen me on television. That’s an entirely different animal from meeting me in person.
ANDRE
(CONVINCED) My mistake! Anyway, Mulaney’s not home.
LOU
Where is he?
ANDRE
(CHEERFUL) Jane and Motif are pretty convinced he’s hitting it off with his new friend, and they think this is the first step of Mulaney leaving them behind for bigger and better things. And I’m taking advantage of their paranoia to insinuate myself into their lives.
LOU PUSHES ANDRE ASIDE AND RUSHES TO JANE AND MOTIF IN THE KITCHEN.
LOU
Is it true? Is it possible that John is on the verge of bigger and better things?
JANE
This morning, he told Motif he wanted to meet people who were (HORRIFIED) more like him.
LOU
Where does he expect to meet people like him? The vape store?
MOTIF
I know! But he’s been spotted with--get this--a new friend.
LOU
Oh no. That’s so unlike him. We can’t allow this.
MOTIF, JANE, AND LOU EACH STARE OFF IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS, LOST IN THOUGHT.
ANDRE
So what brings you here, Mr. Cannon?
LOU
I’m sorry, have we met? (THEN, TO JANE AND MOTIF) That reminds me, I need to see John, some people broke into my apartment.
JANE
What?
LOU
Yes, fortunately they didn’t take anything, and they didn’t harm me since I was relaxing in Panic Room 6 at the time, which is one of my more effectively camouflaged panic rooms.
JANE
And of all the people in New York, you think Mulaney can help you with this?
MOTIF
I think the police might be better equipped.
LOU PULLS OUT AN IPHONE.
LOU
I just needed him to figure out what I’m doing wrong with this thing. I’ve been trying to call 911 all day but it won’t go through.
MOTIF EXAMINES THE PHONE.
MOTIF
Actually you’ve been texting the numbers 911 to Mulaney.
JANES TAKES THE PHONE.
JANE
Do you have any other contacts in here?
CUT TO:
INT. COFFEE HOUSE
MULANEY AND NEWTON SIT DRINKING COFFEE.
NEWTON
--so I said to him, “Suicide is the longest sleeping pill I know of.” And of course I was just quoting Oscar Levant, but I guess he took me serious--
MULANEY LOOKS AT HIS PHONE.
NEWTON
Am I boring you?
MULANEY LOOKS BACK UP AT NEWTON. HE IS CLEARLY NOT BORED.
MULANEY
Are you kidding? This is fascinating. I can’t believe you were in the Heaven’s Gate cult.
NEWTON
Well, I wouldn’t say in. I mean, I did some scarf work for them, and hung around them a lot because I admire eccentricity and variety. But that’s as far as it went.
MULANEY
Well either way. I was just making sure my boss hadn’t texted again. He’s been at it since noon but he finally stopped.
NEWTON
Is Lou Cannon a real taskmaster in his golden years?
MULANEY
He can be a handful, so as a birthday present he gave me the whole weekend off and told me not to respond to his calls or texts no matter how urgent they get.
NEWTON
What’s he been texting you?
MULANEY
911.
NEWTON
Maybe it’s important.
MULANEY
More important than this?
NEWTON
I like your attitude.
MULANEY
Believe me, establishing some boundaries with Lou is long overdue. He’s becoming too dependent on me, though that may be because I’m the only contact in his phone. And let’s face it, writing for Celebrity You Guessed It isn’t the type of job I should devote too many years of my life to.
NEWTON
Well since he’s stopped texting you, I’d say you’re in the clear. If he’s dead there’s nothing you can do anyway.
MULANEY
Exactly. I’m here having coffee with my new friend, who has stories about everyone from Marshall Applewhite to Sasheer Zamata. Identifying Lou’s body can wait.
NEWTON
You know, if he’s not dead, I’d love to meet your boss. Just because in his dotage he’s become a Zionist and a game show host, that doesn’t make him any less of a comedy legend.
MULANEY
Sure, I’ll introduce you. He’d be delighted to meet you.
NEWTON
Speaking of introductions, my sister’s in town this week.
MULANEY
Tell me more.
NEWTON
She’s just visiting from L.A.--she’s some bigshot out there with USA Network--but I think you’re just her type.
MULANEY
I’d love to meet her. USA Network has rich history and a promising future.
ACT 3
INT. MULANEY’S APARTMENT
JANE, MOTIF, ANDRE, AND LOU ARE IN THE LIVING ROOM CONSPIRING.
LOU
So it’s decided then, that instead of simply going with Jane’s plan to seduce John’s new friend away from him--
JANE
“Jane’s fool-proof plan.”
LOU
Or Motif’s plan to usurp John’s place in this friendship by presenting himself as a fresher, urban alternative--
MOTIF
I’m willing to play that role in a way that rings true and is free of stereotypes.
LOU
Or Andre’s plan that we all take a trip to Finger Lakes wine country--
ANDRE
You’re telling me that doesn’t sound divine?
LOU
Or my idea, to simply pay off John’s new friend to stay away from him, it’s decided that instead we will do all of our plans at once. Except for Andre’s.
JANE
And the fact that everyone in Mulaney’s life is overtly trying to sabotage his new friendship will raise enough red flags that the friendship will be effectively sabotaged.
LOU
It’s the perfect plan. Or close to perfect. Actually, it’s terrible, but that’s good enough for our purposes.
MOTIF
Wait a second, Lou, I’ve got just one question.
LOU
Yes?
MOTIF
Babaloo Mandel and Howie Mandel.
LOU
What about them?
MOTIF
Are they the same?
LOU
I’m sorry, what?
MOTIF
Babaloo and Howie Mandel. That’s the same guy, right?
LOU
No no, of course not. In fact, just last week I had lunch at Artie’s with Howie and dinner with Babaloo at Zabar’s, and I can assure you they are two very different men.
MOTIF
But have you ever seen them in the same room together?
LOU
Yes, on several occasions.
MOTIF
Are you sure?
LOU
Yes.
MOTIF
Think about it.
LOU LOOKS AROUND, BAFFLED.
CUT TO:
INT. THE HALL - CONTINUOUS
MULANEY AND NEWTON STAND AT OSCAR’S DOOR. NEWTON KNOCKS.
MULANEY
It’s sure nice of you to come here a second time in one day for Oscar’s scarf emergency.
NEWTON
You should see what I’m gonna charge him. There’s nothing nice about it.
OSCAR OPENS THE DOOR.
OSCAR
Oh hello. Come in, come in.
NEWTON WALKS INTO OSCAR’S APARTMENT. MULANEY STARTS TO GO IN AS WELL, BUT SOMETHING IN THE HALL CATCHES HIS ATTENTION.
MULANEY
I’ll be right in.
THE DOOR CLOSES BEHIND NEWTON.
OFFICER SEGELMAN ENTERS. SHE HAS NO INTEREST IN THE CALL SHE’S RESPONDING TO.
MULANEY
Hello Officer. Is something wrong?
OFFICER SEGELMAN
Not unless you just locked yourself out.
MULANEY POINTS TO HIS APARTMENT.
MULANEY
Actually, I live here.
OFFICER SEGELMAN BECOMES SOMEWHAT MORE ENGAGED.
OFFICER SEGELMAN
Then I’m Officer Segelman. I’m here about the break-in.
MULANEY
What break-in?
OFFICER SEGELMAN
You don’t know about a break-in? Because if there was no break-in I can go.
OFFICER SEGELMAN STARTS TO WALK AWAY, BUT MULANEY QUICKLY UNLOCKS AND OPENS HIS APARTMENT DOOR.
INT. MULANEY’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
MULANEY ENTERS, FOLLOWED BY OFFICER SEGELMAN. THEY LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN.
MULANEY
Was there a break-in?
LOU
Yes, at my apartment.
MULANEY
Lou? What are you doing here?
OFFICER SEGELMAN
(TO LOU) You live here? Aren’t you famous?
LOU
(DISGUSTED) Of course I don’t live here, (INGRATIATING) and yes, I am quite famous.
OFFICER SEGELMAN
Then why am I here and not at the apartment that was broken into?
LOU
There were some technical glitches, and then I got caught up with these characters and their schemes.
MULANEY
Lou, why are you scheming with my roommates? I’ve warned you about that.
LOU
Don’t worry, John, the scheme had nothing to do with you. (TO OFFICER SEGELMAN) Shouldn’t you be asking the questions?
OFFICER SEGELMAN
(SHRUGGING) I can.
LOU
Then please.
OFFICER SEGELMAN TAKES OUT A NOTEPAD.
OFFICER SEGELMAN
When did the break-in occur?
LOU
Noon.
OFFICER SEGELMAN
And you waited until now to report it?
LOU
I couldn’t get my cell phone to work.
OFFICER SEGELMAN
You couldn’t use a landline?
LOU
A landline? How old do you think I am?
OFFICER SEGELMAN
Were you home at the time of the break-in?
LOU
Yes, in Panic Room 6.
MULANEY
You have six panic rooms?
LOU
Seven, actually.
OFFICER SEGELMAN
(TO MULANEY) Every rich person in Manhattan does. (TO LOU) Did you get a good look at the intruders? Surveillance footage?
LOU
There were three men. They didn’t take anything, they just looked around. Here, there’s footage on my phone.
MULANEY
You can’t call 911 but you can transfer surveillance footage?
LOU
The interface is very intuitive.
LOU HANDS HIS PHONE TO OFFICER SEGELMAN.
NEWTON ENTERS THROUGH THE OPEN DOOR.
NEWTON
Hey John, I--Lou Cannon!
LOU STANDS UP AND POINTS AT NEWTON.
LOU
That’s him.
MULANEY
What?
LOU
Officer, that’s one of the men who broke into my apartment.
OFFICER SEGELMAN CASUALLY REACHES OUT AND TAKES NEWTON’S WRIST.
OFFICER SEGELMAN
You sure?
LOU
Look at the footage.
OFFICER SEGELMAN GLANCES AT THE PHONE.
OFFICER SEGELMAN
Close enough. You’re under arrest.
MULANEY
No no. No no no. Newton didn’t break into Lou’s apartment. He’s my new friend--
NEWTON SPEAKS AND HIS ARROGANCE HAS ALL AT ONCE TURNED TO PETULANCE AND EXASPERATION.
NEWTON
Oh for the love of nuts. What’s Cannon doing here? Oh jeez. This is just my luck.
OFFICER SEGELMAN
You have the right to remain silent, you know.
NEWTON
I don’t care. I just can’t believe this. (TO LOU) Where were you today? We were gonna kidnap you but we couldn’t find you! We checked all five panic rooms.
LOU
You were going to kidnap me?
OFFICER SEGELMAN
If I can cut in here, you also have the right to an attorney.
MULANEY
Newton, why would you want to kidnap Lou Cannon?
NEWTON
Chad says he’s a tool of Zionist oppression.
LOU
Who’s Chad?
NEWTON
The leader of my terrorist cell.
JANE
(DELIGHTED) Your terrorist leader’s name is Chad?
NEWTON
So what? Everyone has a name. That’s his.
OFFICER SEGELMAN
You know, you’re providing me with a lot of information in spite of your right to remain silent.
NEWTON
I don’t care. I’ll take Chad down with me. He lives in Cobble Hill, I’ll show you where. Because he’s the tool. I wanted to kidnap Craig Ferguson but he said that wouldn’t make any sense.
MULANEY
But Newton, wait--you were using me?
NEWTON
Of course. After we didn’t find Lou in his apartment, we knew we’d never get back in there, so we went to plan B. Oscar’s one of my best customers, and he’d mentioned a sober comedian neighbor who wrote for that terrible Celebrity Go Get ‘Em show, so I figured I’d weasel my way into your life so I could kidnap Lou that way. I just didn’t expect it to happen so fast. Gosh, it was going too well, I knew it.
MULANEY
So I take it you made up all those stories? And you’re not really a comic?
NEWTON
No, I’m not. I mean, I’ve got a few thousand followers on--
MULANEY
And your sister?
NEWTON
She’s real but you’re not her type.
MULANEY
But you really are a scarf-tailor?
NEWTON
The best in town.
MULANEY
Well, I’m gonna go jump out the window.
MULANEY WALKS TOWARD HIS ROOM.
OFFICER SEGELMAN
Actually, I’ll need you to come down to the station.
MULANEY
Of course.
MULANEY TURNS AROUND.
LOU
You can ride with me, John
MULANEY
Thanks Lou.
LOU
By the way, the money I was going to pay him to stop being your friend is coming out of your paycheck.
MULANEY
What?
OFFICER SEGELMAN STARTS TO LEAD NEWTON AWAY. NEWTON STOPS.
NEWTON
Just for the record, John, I don’t want you to think I was completely pretending to like you. I mostly was, but you’re okay. I’ve seen your stand up. You’re funny.
MULANEY
Thanks, Newton. In spite of everything, I do appreciate that.
NEWTON
You just need to do darker stuff. Like Louis CK. But you’ll get there. I believe in you.
MULANEY
Take him away, boys.
OFFICER SEGELMAN LEADS NEWTON OUT.
FADE TO:
INT. MULANEY’S APARTMENT - THE NEXT MORNING
MULANEY, JANE, AND MOTIF SIT AROUND THE KITCHEN.
JANE
You didn’t notice anything strange about him?
MULANEY
Not really. He did talk about Jews a lot, but mostly in a positive way, like I do.
JANE
Was that all?
MULANEY
He said a couple things about Israel I didn’t think I agreed with, but I wasn’t going to say anything. I’m not used to debating people who have convictions.
MOTIF
I’m sorry your new friend turned out to be working for a terrorist from Connecticut, Mulaney. It could have happened to anyone.
JANE
(TO MOTIF) I disagree.
MULANEY
Thank you, Jane. And by the way, guys, when I got home from the police station, Andre was curled up in the corner of my bedroom sleeping like a cat.
JANE AND MOTIF DON’T SEE WHAT MULANEY IS GETTING AT.
MULANEY
Why?
MOTIF
Oh. He replaced you during the two hours you were friends with Newton.
MULANEY
What?
A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
MULANEY (CONT’D)
We’ll discuss that in a minute.
MULANEY OPENS THE DOOR. IT’S OSCAR.
OSCAR
Oh hello
MULANEY
Hi Oscar, what’s up?
OSCAR
I remembered what I wanted to tell you when I was standing at your door yesterday.
MULANEY
What’s that?
OSCAR
My scarf-tailor Newton wants to meet you.
END OF EPISODE
END OF TELEVISION
